Time to face up..

It had been too long. Too long i take to look at myself and reflect. Too long.

This time i want to be frank and true to myself and to others. This time, i need to know who i really am. It's time, O Lord. This time you tell me...

In the nutshell, i am not that secure, not that confident, not that funny, not that that you see. In all, sometimes i really don't know who i am, what i think, or even what i have. (of course i mean, not the things i have in possession..afterall how long does it all last)

The talents that people think i have, i don't know how to use. The skills that i am worse at i am forced to put to use. for some reasons or another, i am losing myself...but yet not gaining in any way the likeness of Christ..

I am losing myself. Lost.

i not longer know how to smile like i used to. i no longer know how to talk to you like i used to. i no longer know how to be with people. i am confused.

Times when you listen to the laughter, yet not know how to laugh to it.
Times when have everyone around, but you don't know how to be part of the people. Awkward is the word.

I feel out of place. How weird.

Lord, would you hear me from Heaven? Tell me about myself.
For only my Potter knows, only You...
For only the Designer knows what the full use of what is designed.

(P.S.Some people who think that they know themselves the best. But the truth is they don't. The more you think you know yourself the more you don't know. For the people who truly know themselves, know how much they don't know about themselves. For they understood, that only One knows it all. From the count of strains of the hair on your head, from the amount of tears you cried to the sole reason you made like this, to the very purpose of your life..only One knows it all. Many thinks they know why they end up in drug, caught in illicit relationship or indulging in harming themselves. But the truth is they don't know.)

i know no longer.............................

it is the moment that you feel tired of explaining yourself. tired to defend.tired to fight. there are times that you wanna just with the flow...but you know you cant. moments that you are not quite sure if you should build a wall around you...sometimes that might have been better. dun know dun know... how long i could stay vulnerable...tired.real tired. time that you wanna give up doing the things you are supposed to do. i hate to be caught in between. it's too tiresome. i no longer know what i should say and what i should. lord you need to teach me.....i dun know what im doin any more....not any more....lord pls..give a way a way that only you can open.........and i only wish to live by your grace...sometimes just to be a little more normal...................................too much too much too much to hold inside....too much o lord too much to hide....tired and sick.....tired of shattered dreams tired of giving up.. tired just to be in the norm.tired to be caught.tired not to have anyone to lend a shoulder.tired i no longer know who to turn to.and even when there is what i can say. what's wrong. i no longer know.whats right i m blinded..i need to hide...hide myself in a place. hide myself just somewhere so i can see your face....then maybe maybe/....that which is too much on my shoulder and my mere thoughts can be put away...slowly life is takin me away from myself...when i look into mirror i ask myself...oo who's that i see...that heart that's turn cold....that heart whose tears had dried up....
tryin too hard...trying too hard... to keep that smile and laughter...
but then again that is the only way i can keep myself alive and living....
o dun know i really dun know anymore.....