Time to face up..

It had been too long. Too long i take to look at myself and reflect. Too long.

This time i want to be frank and true to myself and to others. This time, i need to know who i really am. It's time, O Lord. This time you tell me...

In the nutshell, i am not that secure, not that confident, not that funny, not that that you see. In all, sometimes i really don't know who i am, what i think, or even what i have. (of course i mean, not the things i have in possession..afterall how long does it all last)

The talents that people think i have, i don't know how to use. The skills that i am worse at i am forced to put to use. for some reasons or another, i am losing myself...but yet not gaining in any way the likeness of Christ..

I am losing myself. Lost.

i not longer know how to smile like i used to. i no longer know how to talk to you like i used to. i no longer know how to be with people. i am confused.

Times when you listen to the laughter, yet not know how to laugh to it.
Times when have everyone around, but you don't know how to be part of the people. Awkward is the word.

I feel out of place. How weird.

Lord, would you hear me from Heaven? Tell me about myself.
For only my Potter knows, only You...
For only the Designer knows what the full use of what is designed.

(P.S.Some people who think that they know themselves the best. But the truth is they don't. The more you think you know yourself the more you don't know. For the people who truly know themselves, know how much they don't know about themselves. For they understood, that only One knows it all. From the count of strains of the hair on your head, from the amount of tears you cried to the sole reason you made like this, to the very purpose of your life..only One knows it all. Many thinks they know why they end up in drug, caught in illicit relationship or indulging in harming themselves. But the truth is they don't know.)

i know no longer.............................

it is the moment that you feel tired of explaining yourself. tired to defend.tired to fight. there are times that you wanna just with the flow...but you know you cant. moments that you are not quite sure if you should build a wall around you...sometimes that might have been better. dun know dun know... how long i could stay vulnerable...tired.real tired. time that you wanna give up doing the things you are supposed to do. i hate to be caught in between. it's too tiresome. i no longer know what i should say and what i should. lord you need to teach me.....i dun know what im doin any more....not any more....lord pls..give a way a way that only you can open.........and i only wish to live by your grace...sometimes just to be a little more normal...................................too much too much too much to hold inside....too much o lord too much to hide....tired and sick.....tired of shattered dreams tired of giving up.. tired just to be in the norm.tired to be caught.tired not to have anyone to lend a shoulder.tired i no longer know who to turn to.and even when there is what i can say. what's wrong. i no longer know.whats right i m blinded..i need to hide...hide myself in a place. hide myself just somewhere so i can see your face....then maybe maybe/....that which is too much on my shoulder and my mere thoughts can be put away...slowly life is takin me away from myself...when i look into mirror i ask myself...oo who's that i see...that heart that's turn cold....that heart whose tears had dried up....
tryin too hard...trying too hard... to keep that smile and laughter...
but then again that is the only way i can keep myself alive and living....
o dun know i really dun know anymore.....

Behind The Wall

In front, and all seems fine...
But when you dig right within...then you find it's actually not...

There are things not right..
It maybe the way we talk to each other...
The way we are just too easily frustrated....

I'm feeling vulnerable...too easily hurt by the words of people around me...
Or maybe that's what it should be...
Since they are people closest to my heart...

But the feeling lingers for far tooooo long....
It is that in this TIME of CHANGE that Satan had felt the threat..
that he had resorted to use such acts to break that "already weak" bonds...

That little words... that little acts....that little insinuations..
Hate it when it's like that

I hate it when i get yell at....
Cause at the end of it...it seems like only i felt bad about it...
and the rest simply continue on with their life....

Like nothing had ever happened...

IS it just me??

At this moment...this yielding for God grew stronger....

Maybe Satan wanted to distract me from the things of God with these little as such...

But still the feeling grew stronger...
the feeling that i need God more grew stronger..
with every single moment...

With every word typed...the empowerment grew...

Lord...I need You..beyond all....i only need You...
for i find no satisfaction with things that is not of You...
Lord help me
take away the impulsive frustration..
Take away that awful feeling that I am entrapped...for i know You had given me freedom..
Freedom that no one can take away...

Lord grant me LOVE...
that Love that endures...
that Love that is patience.....
that Love that last...
That Love like the water of living that i may taste and thirst no more....


LORD I NEED YOU...
BEYOND ALL..

for without You...i know not a thing..

for without You...i cant imagine...

For without You...how insignificant would all be...

Ooo CReator.....the Creator of me..Lord teach me now

Lord, You said You will use the willing and not the able...for you will enable the willing...

Use me Lord
Use me......

This....i pray...

An AWESOME start...

24 October 2009.

Tonight had been over over over the board.

The Lord is too good and timely for me.

Still suffering from shock.

As i was on the altar( responding to Isaac's call of being angry at God for past things etc)... and as we sung " Worship You, My Lord...Until the very end" and Coral prayed for me..

Isaac's words of being honest,rang in my mind..

So being honest....

I said to God....

That i was angry at times when i called and not hear His Voice

Screamed and cried, and not feel HIs presence or touch..

And as i kneeled down before Him, i said " for this time, that i'm so honest, can you please remind me that You actually hear me!"

Saying about that...i must say...never fool around with my God.

As i pour out all that i had to say...i hear our dear gaius's voice comin close.....

i thought he was going somewhere..but lest did i know it was me!

he say God gave him a dream of my desperation last night..(Jaw-drop moments.)

And it was by no coincidence....

he say God had greater greater thing to come....

(yes yes shocked shocked more shocked...but a pleasant one..)

Surely i got to ask him someday, what did he actually dream about...